Fanboi VS Fanboi – there is no middle ground

Image courtesy of funny-potato.com/blog

Get over it Fanbois, you can’t separate your favourite product from the pile of others. Security this, security that, market penetration, user base – irrelevant to proving which product is ‘better’. Want to talk about app numbers? About OEM growth? Go ahead. But no matter how you crack it, you’ll only prove one point: that you are capable of only proving one-sided points.

In this article, I will aimlessly rail on the sort of clueless fanbois blogger we see around the net.

In the eternal iPhone VS Android debate, we as fanbois of either platform are too self-serving. We see our two platforms as locked in a perennial struggle. It is good VS evil to the end. This line of thinking is archaic and stupid, especially when dedicated to hand held devices. Pretty soon, fanbois diarrhoea will explode all over the net with another entry: Windows Phone 7. The new platform is bound to build its own customer base, and hopefully offer something for homeless Windows Mobile refugees.

In computing, you can argue that one platform is better than another, that it is more secure than another; but then you can also argue that gold is a better colour than blue. True from one viewpoint or not, nothing will change. Fanbois will rush out to by the product they’ve always leaned against. Others may buy with their purses, or go for the most colourful item, the one with the handsomest model, or any host of other reasons.

Fanbois: simply owning and loving a product does not make you a fanbois. There is no reason to bash a user. Bash instead the marketing, the stereotypes, the image; but by all means, stay away from the user. The platform with the most zealots will accrue the most hatred.

Zealotry is natural; I’m not asking you to drop that. But drop human-bashing when what you really hate is the competition’s evil practices, their platform, their hardware, their apps, their style, their features, their DRM, their dominance, their fecundity, etc. Fanbois-written articles are the worst: they ignore reality for the small pleasures of venting. It should be small consolation that there are others, like you, who loathe something. Anyone can add their opinion to anything. Facebook allows you to like the whole of the bloody internet.

But as many fans as there are, there are detractors, too. You too can join their ranks thanks to comment sections on blogs, to nigh-anonymous posting on forums, and to the strength lent opinions from keyboards. This isn’t the dark ages of the 1980′s anymore. If you hate someone or something, you visit their blog and rail; or you post about them on your site. You find similar-minded people and lump peanuts at them from your salty gallery. You join the ranks of insult-driven drivel, foraging for falsehoods and rooting facts for the sake of ‘+1+ whuffie.

Here are some helpful hints for the burgeoning fanbois:

  1. Spout opinion
  2. Focus on stereotypes, they are important
  3. Ignore facts (especially from the other side) at all costs
  4. Make conjecture
  5. Quote irrelevant articles
  6. Use conjunctions such as ‘if’, and modal verbs like: ‘could’, ‘might’
  7. Never support anything from the ‘other side’
  8. Give props to like-minded individuals
  9. Never concede

There you have it. Now you too can write attention-grabbing, comment-grubbing, click-craving posts too. Oh yes, if you need a model, you’ll have lots to love at ComputerWorld’s blog section. I recommend Fanboi falsehood #1: “Mac security better than Windows”

  • frenchbat

    Good piece, eventhough I don’t think fanbois need any advice on how to troll, but you could also add :
    10 – when in difficult situation to counter arguments, attack the person instead.

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