Breaking News: iPod Touch “P” to be Introduced at Sept. 9th Event

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In a startling discovery in my email inbox barely one hour ago, Steve Jobs personally reached out to LonePlacebo detailing the real truth behind the rumors swarming around the much-anticipated September 9th “Rock and Roll” event in San Francisco. Why he singled out LonePlacebo among hundreds of thousands of other well-known news station is beyond my understanding. Here now is the full and original copy of the message from Steve Jobs himself:

(Letter below the break)

Dear LonePlacebo,

How’s it going? Steve Jobs here. Please, please, please don’t be startled at all. It really is me. Settle down now. Just trust my word. You trusted me when you bought that iMac and that iPod Touch. Just listen to what I have to say.

As you may already have heard from the nagging media reports, Apple will indeed host a product demonstration in San Francisco on September 9th. I want you to dispel all the nasty rumors of a “camera” and “microphone” on the next-generation iPod Touch. Sorry to break it to you, but that isn’t true. Let me tell you what will actually be unveiled instead. It’s called the iPod Touch P. That’s right, capital P. You must be wondering right now what the P stands for. The latest iPhone has an “S” as in speed, but what exactly does “P” mean? Potential? That’s weeeaaak. Phantom? Sounds cool, but no. What it really stands for: is POWER. Yes, battery power to be exact. Working day and night during my stay at the hospital, I experienced an epiphany one night that truly opened my eyes. It was un-be-lievable. Fantastic. I saw things that not even Steve Ballmer or Larry Page will see in a gazillion years. I knew my calling from that point on. The people spoke, and I heard. I was determined to answer the calls for a vastly improved battery life that could last longer than an episode of Lost and The Office. People could not spend so much time charging there iPod’s, waiting nervously throughout the two-plus hour marathon that slowly passes. One mother I met cried in my arms as she told me the sad, sad story of her little Billy who could barely play his Peggle under the dimmest backlight. It was excruciating to listen to. But I understood what I needed to do.

Those next couple of months were long and hard (That’s what she said). Apple’s stock plummeted, then rose up again as those stupid “vermin” who call themselves “stock analysts” continually poisoned the public’s mind toward my sacred company, Apple. But I have finally returned, with a big-ass vengeance. If I was a stock analyst, I would upgrade our companies stock rating to,”Sell your house and car, and buy Apple stock ASAP.”

Let me get down to the juicy technical details of the iPod Touch P. First, it is capable of lasting a full-18 hour period. I ain’t kidding, brother. If I was, I’d be fired(again). No, sir, this is not eighteen hours of simple music, with your wifi connection turned off. I’m talking about being able to play through an entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy and the entire collection of Rocky movies. After all that, you still have at least a tenth remaining of the battery, on average, enough to tweet,”The iPod Touch P rocks, bitches!!!!!!” over a thousand times.

At this point, you must be thinking that with such a godlike battery, this thing must carry at least a 15-pound power source on it or something, right? WRONG again my simple-minded friend. In fact, it is 25% lighter than the iPod Touch 2g! How this was accomplished is a simple engineering miracle and a whole load of kickass luck. Let me say this: This thing is SWEET. Very sweet.

I would love to send you a picture of this beauty of a device, but I need to save it for the big day. For now, best wishes on the site! Spread the word! Viral news is so damn fun!

Hasta luego,

Mr. Jobs

This breaking news article was brought to you by TouchMyApps contributor LonePlacebo. LonePlacebo also writes for his own blog, which you can check out right here.

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