Apple iPhone, Microsoft MyPhone – No ZunePhone?

Microsoft’s CEO, dancing Steve Ballmer mentioned back in September 2008, that the iPhone would fail in the next 5 years. It is not the only silly thing to come out of his mouth, but certainly one of his best hits. A cursory glance at his reasoning reveals the following issues that the iPhone faces:

  • Pricing – it is currently too expensive at 500$ (though I am quite sure you get them for under 300$ and in some cases 200$).
  • insupportable in emerging markets – India and China (emerging markets? China makes the market computer for Jobs’ sake!). According to Ballmer, the most popular phones in those countries cost 25$ to build. Now wait, are we talking about smartphones here or are we talking about phones now?

According to an article at intomobile, he expects Windows Mobile to dominate the market. Up to 80% is his prediction, but I will admit that if symbian could not do it at roughly 70% at their height (in smartphones), how in the bloody hell are Microsoft to do it?

The answer is simple and I am wrong to question the big M. To combat Apple’s juggernaut, Redmond had to bring out their creatively named secret weapon: the MyPhone. After a bit of digging (no, I kid), it was to my chagrine that instead of a physical product, MyPhone is a … cloudy array of services that Microsoft are as of yet, unsure of. Will they charge for it? Maybe, but not now. Does it automatically backup data? Yeah, once per dayat roughly the hours of in between, you know… 11pm and 5am. So what timezone is that? Hmmmm, not sure there either.

For the following educated service review, where straight answers from Microsoft’s are safely tucked away, Big M’s ‘quotes’ will be in bold. TMA will be in italics and ‘you’, well you will be normal!

  1. What is my storage limit? 200 MB – yeah, 200 MB (640K should be enough for anyone, so yeah, 200MB). So, if Enfour’s AHD4 is over 300 MB, how would a similarly built quality dictionary be backed up with MyPhone? Answer, Microsoft just don’t worry about similarly built quality softwares.
  2. Will MyPhone work on ‘my’ phone? Maybe – check to make sure if it does though – we don’t make software and hardware to work together you see, so that is not our arena. Apple makes that stupid mistake. So go check your own damn phone!
  3. Can I manage my phone information on the web? Yeah, and why not? You can add appointments, contacts and other stuff which will appear on your phone when you sync! Cool eh! So, are the Big M’s phones so bloody invalid that you cannot just enter that information using the phone? Cool, you can make appointments, write them down on a piece of paper, go home, transfer that information to your MyPhone account and be off! Wait, you must allow time for syncing.
  4. Can I share photos? Yes, so long as you don’t overrun your total 200MB allotment you greedy bastard! So, I got 200 MB to store everything and my photos? Is there anyway else to just backup my stuff? Keep a pad of paper near!
  5. What if I lost my phone before I got the MyPhone? You idiot – of course you cannot use MyPhone! MyPhone ain’t the bloody JesusPhone which will resurrect your poor old phone’s soul. It is a bloody customer-service product.

Please be informed that this post is a joke and while scathing, is not representative of TMA, shigzeo or any other trademark of this website. Shigzeo is an upstanding individual with an Honours Degree in Post Colonial Literature, a certificate in Missionary Training and a Bible School diploma. He would never ever ever, say the things that he may have been construed to say in this thread.

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