A Touching Story: TouchMyApps Editor, shigzeo Arrested

shigzeo-arrestIn what is sure to be a complex proceeding, shigzeo of TMA was arrested on a recent business trip to God’s Country. While specific names and locations will remain undisclosed, it is clear to us is that he was arrested while out in the rural countryside around New York State’s largest city. Purportedly, shigzeo had a scoop that took him and his much loved Marnoni Fango bicycle across the border to visit the home of someone who knew, “the biggest news ever to be upped onto The Internets”.We said goodbye to him at 10:00 am this morning and have not properly heard from him since.

We have been informed by neighbours and super spy Katz Fernandez, that upon arrival, the road-weary shigzeo was ushered into a dilapidated bungalow by a Mr. Platz, lead developer for iAmPervert.

“I heard nothing unusual mayn”, said Katz, “but what I saw with this badboy, was mad”. By badboy, Katz meant his self-made 100Megapixel digital camera that was constructed from WWII parts and a Jailbreaked iPhone – and by mad, he meant what happened to shigzeo. “Believe it or not mayn, I used the iPhone’s lens to make this camera – it really is good if you Jailbreak it! It gets a bashin’ in the blogs but that Apple technology is some hot sh*t – if you know what I mean!” We certainly do.

A couple of hours, some tea and a few strange greenish brownees that Katz said were made from “real herbs” later, we were convinced that the universe was alright man, alright. But more importantly, we sussed out why shigzeo disappeared. Evidentally, his lead is iAmPervert’s head developer. iAmPervert are in the process of finishing a new iPhone app called ‘Want Some Candy?’ in which the user lures children into a car for candy. “‘Want Some Candy?’ is still up for approval from Apple”, said the developer’s voice in a crystal-clear video recording Katz had taken that morning, “but given their recent good judgment, we’re sure it’ll be just a few more days”.

“That, mayn, is a good microphone on that camera”, said Mr. Fernandez. Amid the developer’s chatter, we succintly heard shigzeo’s Mont Blanc scratching away at what was sure to be a great article.

“And this is where the feces gets fracked”, said Katz who paused his recording’s playback for a most-needed dramatic effect.”This mayn, is where the story really starts”. In only seconds after the frozen images awoke from pause, the scene changed. Suddenly, in a flash and right before our eyes, it was as bright as a spring morning in the hitherto dark room. We could barely make out the images as Katz’ camera coped with temporary blindness, but made out a dark image stealthily creaping toward another black blob.

“Mate, that is my bum”! shigzeo’s voice was frantic and the dark blob jerked back whilst seemingly growing hands. “Help! Help! Some one call the police!” pleaded shigzeo’s voice over and over again, but no one responded as the other figure stayed on shigzeo like white on rice; like ugly on an ape or like Oprah on a cupcake.

We had to look away and begged Katz to stop the recording. “Sorry for the oversaturation there”, aplogised Katz, “I forgot to replace one of the filters that I used for party-coasters last Friday”. We forgave him. “I knew that I had to do something”, informed Katz. “So, I called the 911’ers as I felt bad for the poor kid”, he said.

He later showed us a profile recording of the police interview with shigzeo. He had managed to plant the camera deep within the nearby police station using methods he learned from Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. Katz has skills –  the police video was much clearer than the one taken in the developer’s house – his spy cameras are indeed, of the very highest of quality. We suggested to Katz to market his creations, but Katz humbly replied, “No, you can’t put a price on video-taping another person’s privacy”.

Suffice to say that shigzeo thought he had his story. In the interview, he told police that ‘Want Some Candy?’ may spark the most controversial debate yet on the issue of whether or not Apple actually have a screening process for App Store apps. He also thought that developer Platz might actually be a pervert. However, police were only interested in what shigzeo was doing across the border without a passport and on a Canadian bicycle. Alas, the story on Mr. Platz died in their anger at shigzeo’s stupidity for “not buying American”.

“People here drive cars, kid, American cars!” The police did have a point – in America’s biggest economic recession in years, it is everyone’s prerogative to dig deep, buy American and put more gas back into the air.

“But officer, I don’t own a car. I just own that all-steel Fango with full Centaur grouppo”. He looked at both officers and then to the ground as the officers began to hushedly whisper in each other’s ears.

“shigzeo”, said the smaller, geekier looking of the two, “when Mr. Fernandez called 911, we came because he said he witnessed a groping and we assumed it was Mr. Platz (the developer) at his old games again, but when we pulled up in our muscle-car, we found your bike and this notebook”. He removed his glasses, blinked, reached behind him and pulled out a pad of white paper. “This notebook says very clearly at the top, TouchMyAss. We have concluded that Mr. Platz was not acting out of his rights. In fact, I think he did just what you wanted, isn’t that right shigzeo?!”

“No, that is not TouchMyAss, that is Touch My Apps!” suggested shigzeo. “My printing is terrible. Usually I write stuff down just to look professional, but the truth is that I can’t read my writing. I rely on this – “, shigzeo tapped his slightly receding forehead for effect, “it gets me through most thick and thin situations”.

The rest was a blur. shigzeo’s bicycle was impounded and his notebook taken for evidence. He is not expected back at TMA. But it was not all bad. Katz let us keep a prototype of his next glasses-mounted super spy cam that he says can inconspicuously be left in any room and used for the extraction of even better information. When we asked him about a similar device found in his favourite Mission Impossible, he just grunted and coughed, “amateurs!”.

Until the smoke blows over, we will be changing our name to Don’t Touch My Apps not only for our protection, but for the protection of readers and developers alike. Also, please remember to never talk back to a police officer.

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