Nothing New at the App Store


nothing |ˈnəθi ng |
not anything; no single thing : I said nothing | there’s nothing you can do | they found nothing wrong.
• something of no importance or concern : “What are you laughing at?” “Oh, nothing, sir.” | they are nothing to him | [as n. ] no longer could we be treated as nothings.
• (in calculations) no amount; zero.

I have found a new candidate for worst app evar and here is why: false advertising. According to knowledge brain’s website:

We can sum-up this App for you with one word: “NOTHING”
We proudly present an Application about Nothing. Nothing is everything you ever wanted in an application – except much, much less. We know there are so many great apps, but we wanted something different.
“How can you have Application about Nothing?” you say…. Easy, there’s Nothing to it! We have carefully crafted Nothing out of something.

Nothing competes with some good apps and many worthless apps that are priced at 99 cents and below. The difference is that most apps will try to convince you that they have something to offer, whereas Knowledge Brain advertise the opposite. They even go so far as to put nothing in caps and quotations. I want my purchases at the App Store to be statements, but the purchase of Nothing is like slapping your brain with a bag of quicksand, then having your lolly friends suck the remnants of you dry with tiny straws full of their own poison and singing “merrily merrily, I so merrily believe in the weather!”

Nothing cannot be paraded about as nothing unless the makers are simply programming savvy idiots. In fact, the Knowledge Brain probably had meetings and meetings about design, quotes, who to send Nothing to and how to market it. They missed the bloody point.

Here are the thought processes of the authors as I see it:
Dude1: So dude, we gots to make something cool. Something those 14 year old girls wud luv! Dude, wut can it bee?
Dude2: It gotto be kachy, real kachy. How bout Nuthin! (insert mucousy laughter)
Dude1: Duuuuuude! That is so far out! Lets get a camputer book.

The story ends with two 14 year olds brainstorming an app that is supposed to be clever, funny and a finger to the man. The problem is that they should have marketed the app as worthless, stupid, imbecilic and reaking of study hall and too much marijuana. Nothing can be an interesting topic for discussion but cannot be effectively marketed. Hoopla, reviews, a team, a company name and submission to and approval by the App Store are far too much of something to take this app seriously.

Honestly, I was hopeful that Nothing could have actually done nothing at all on my iPod. Why have four graphic screens or more? Why choose black? Is that still not a colour? Composed of light? Why make an icon design? Why write a webpage and get your friends to write about your great oh-so-clever app? Your app does not deliver the goods! Your app is a marketing machine – it is not nothing, it is just absent of any utility or proper brainwork.

Before this editorial ends, please take a moment to ponder what an actual app about nothing would look like, what it would do when clicked and how much you would charge for it if you made it. The answer is of course very simple – I will give you some space to think about it.

Have you sussed it out yet?

Next ArticleThe Enigma Machine in Review – A Great Mental Workout